Lost, Not Found...

I realize I haven't posted anything in a while...so it's about time for another ramble-y, complaint-ridden message.  Get ready to listen to some whining...if you actually read this, that is.

So a while back, I wrote a post basically saying I wanted to change.  That's still true.  I did change...but...for whatever reason, I didn't change in the way I had wanted to.

Of course, that makes sense.  Change, for me, is something that's primarily reactive - to my surroundings, to other people, to events that occur in my life.  Whether this is actually true or not, I always seem to have little control over the changes I go through.

I came to the realization the other day, that I'm not the same person I was in high school...and I'm not even the same person I was at the start of college - or even during my sophomore year.  I think, largely, I used to be happier.  I used to not care about what people thought of me.  I used to not care about how I looked or the way I dressed.  I used to not care about how I acted when I met new people.  I used to not be so haphazardly hormonal or snappy.  I used to write with more intelligence, more wit, and more verve.  I used to be friendlier - more open to people and things.  I never used to obsess over working out, counting calories, or checking the scale every time I passed it.  I used to be comfortable with who I was, where I was going, what I wanted to do with my life, and who I associated myself with.  I used to feel smart - accomplished and confident.

These days, I can't quite say the same.  At some point, I think I forgot what was important to me.
Primarily, I think I forgot that "I" am important to me - or, at least, I was.

So...I can do two things, really.
I can sit here...and do some more self-loathing.  I can continue to stress over the fact that I have changed and do nothing about it.
OR...
I can grab a bubble tea (maybe not now...because it's a bit late) and go on a figurative hunt to find the person I used to be.  If, after some time, I can't find her - I can learn to accept whatever changes have come my way, suck it up, and find a new "groove" to settle into.

Right? Totally doable.

I promise that my next post will not be this whiny.

- MayMay

Current Song?: Matt White - Best Days

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

And After

September 13th, 2023 To live a life without regrets,      One on your own terms and in your own way,     Of your own rules, a mold of your own clay. As a guide, led by those before you,     An obligation to those who come after you,     To those who have lost their light,     To those in a new land, a new culture, a new life. As an exemplar, a role model, a bastion of support,     A father, grandfather,     Partner, brother, uncle, mother,     Sister, friend, chosen family     A source for those in need. As a constant presence,     To express love, affection, adoration,     Even with words or without. To be relied upon and be reliable,     Food on the table,     Clothes on their backs,     For those you cherish to never want for anything. To celebrate the wins, however simple,     But to never forget the losses -- however small. To find the tiniest moments of joy, the humor --      But to not dismiss the pangs of sadness,     The impetus for growth. To continue the legacy of those who
Read more

Thanksgivings Past

November 23rd, 2023 Dear Nandini, I remember half days at school, movie afternoons spent when our collective attention spans had all but vanished.  More time for video games and sleeping in and later on, more time for homework assignments over the long weekend.  For some reason, Jurassic Park reruns occupied the primetime slot on NBC and I was too young to appreciate the holiday-themed Friends episodes at the time.  Don't worry, I do now.  They were times filled with cheer and festivity -- and life!  Constant chatter filled our home, laughter and amusement.  The excitement over Black Friday sales -- the draft of the Christmas wish-list.  I miss it all.  As I got older, I remember chipping in a bit more at the Thanksgiving table -- helping with the sides, mostly just bothering people in the kitchen.  Eventually, I was in charge of dessert -- though I've lost track of the amount of times Ma yelled at me for using granny smith apples in the pie...It felt like we spent less time to
Read more

To Have & Make Room

March 6th, 2024 Friendships of childhood seem so fickle. Fleeting? Maybe those aren't the right words.  So easy to come by in some ways.  A biology project in common, a shared less-than-stellar teacher you felt an allied annoyance of, the struggles of running the 1.5 miles on Fridays in P.E. -- they were connections made in proximity, united by something shared, at very specific points in our lives.  It's interesting to think about how quickly some of those friendships came and went -- how quickly you moved on from one another when you realized you were hitting those pre-teen or teen milestones at different rates.  And not in a bad way by any means -- it just felt like you were experiencing different things at different times and maybe outgrew one another at just as unpredictable a pace. It's interesting to think about some of those childhood friendships that remained and wonder why that is.  I think many of us can think about those that we've stayed in touch with -- th
Read more