Lost, Not Found...

I realize I haven't posted anything in a while...so it's about time for another ramble-y, complaint-ridden message.  Get ready to listen to some whining...if you actually read this, that is.

So a while back, I wrote a post basically saying I wanted to change.  That's still true.  I did change...but...for whatever reason, I didn't change in the way I had wanted to.

Of course, that makes sense.  Change, for me, is something that's primarily reactive - to my surroundings, to other people, to events that occur in my life.  Whether this is actually true or not, I always seem to have little control over the changes I go through.

I came to the realization the other day, that I'm not the same person I was in high school...and I'm not even the same person I was at the start of college - or even during my sophomore year.  I think, largely, I used to be happier.  I used to not care about what people thought of me.  I used to not care about how I looked or the way I dressed.  I used to not care about how I acted when I met new people.  I used to not be so haphazardly hormonal or snappy.  I used to write with more intelligence, more wit, and more verve.  I used to be friendlier - more open to people and things.  I never used to obsess over working out, counting calories, or checking the scale every time I passed it.  I used to be comfortable with who I was, where I was going, what I wanted to do with my life, and who I associated myself with.  I used to feel smart - accomplished and confident.

These days, I can't quite say the same.  At some point, I think I forgot what was important to me.
Primarily, I think I forgot that "I" am important to me - or, at least, I was.

So...I can do two things, really.
I can sit here...and do some more self-loathing.  I can continue to stress over the fact that I have changed and do nothing about it.
OR...
I can grab a bubble tea (maybe not now...because it's a bit late) and go on a figurative hunt to find the person I used to be.  If, after some time, I can't find her - I can learn to accept whatever changes have come my way, suck it up, and find a new "groove" to settle into.

Right? Totally doable.

I promise that my next post will not be this whiny.

- MayMay

Current Song?: Matt White - Best Days

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